last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
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So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
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We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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