i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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