Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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