She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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