I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
