I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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