You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
