I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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