Pants 0. Shit 1.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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