I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
