you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
