chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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