I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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