Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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