I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
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Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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