Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
