Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
