On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
