not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
