i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
