no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
