Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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