yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
