He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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