and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
