just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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