Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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