I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
