Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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