She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
