just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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