I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
