I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
