can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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