I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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