Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if only i could text you this smell
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
