i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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