HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
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So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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