I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
