I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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