I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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