she was so not down for the gang bang
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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