The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
