rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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