i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
