The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
