And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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