Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
