none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
