All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
