When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
