He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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