i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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