The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
