oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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