I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
