So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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