please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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