The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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